George came into the world on the 10th September 2014 and I was besotted, it felt like we had been awaiting him for such a long time (read about my PCOS story here). I fell in love instantly. It's true what they say, it's a love like no other. The sleepless nights and endless visitors were worth it, I was exhausted but I loved being a mum, I loved newborn snuggles and whilst I struggled to adapt to the 3 hourly feeds, it didn't last long and he was sleeping through from 8 weeks old.
Then the anxiety crept in. I was terrified something would happen to him, to Pete or I. What would happen if we were in an accident? What would happen if we were to be bombed (crazy I know seeing as we live in one of the safest countries in the world - apparentl) but even now I get anxious when a plane flies over head. It's so irrational. I knew I was being irrational but these thoughts would creep in on a daily basis.
There was this one day when he was about 3 months old, George just cried for 20 minutes and for the love of god I just didn't know what was wrong with him. He had me so stressed out that I left him in his pram to cry, took myself to the top of the stairs and just cried it out. I felt worthless that I couldn't console my own baby. My nan came round to visit and I just cried on her (this happens a lot, I'm emotional, what can I say? Mother, if you're reading, I blame you!) She told me not to ever think I was a bad mum because I was doing a good job and sometimes that's all you need to hear. She told me a story about a similar experience she had when my uncle was a baby and in that moment I knew I wasn't alone.
When George was 5 months we got him christened and everything that could go wrong, went wrong. My hair was a mess, Pete lost his only pair of smart shoes, we were late for the church, the DJ did't turn up. It was a nightmare! An absolute nightmare. Absolutely nothing could have prepared me for this day, I was a mess. There was a point when Pete was queuing for the buffet and I just screamed at him in front of all our guests, something that I am still ashamed of to this day! My behaviour was out of control and I knew I had to do something about it. I've said before I don't deal with stress but this was on another level.
After a good old heart to heart with my mum (have I mentioned she's the absolute best?) I went to the doctors where I was diagnosed with PND and prescribed antidepressants. My mood improved and I became a lot calmer over the course when I eventually came off them on my own. Not even gradually, I just decided I didn't need them anymore and came off them.
When Henry was born, the stress came back, I was awful, I was miserable so I didn't even see a doctor, I just went straight back on my medication. Even now I notice the difference on a day when I don't take them. I'm horrible, the stress becomes too much and I get myself really worked up. I had an episode on Wednesday where I did not want to go out, Henry's flask was broken (my fault) and I couldn't do my hair properly. To some this may seem like a really silly thing to get so upset about, but this is how my brain works. If something doesn't go the way I want it to I get really anxious. In this moment, Pete just calmed me down, hugged me and helped me work it out. There was a point in our lives when he didn't really understand what I needed when I was in this mood but I think he's got it sussed, he's a good egg.
PND can manifester in a number of different ways, I thought because I had bonded with my baby that there was nothing wrong with me and I was fine. It nearly cost me my relationship. If you are suffering in any way, please get help!
Rachael xo
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