You are the love of my life, for months I longed for a baby and there was a slight possibility we wouldn't be able to conceive naturally, but you, my little miracle never needed the help we thought we would require. You were a blessing. Before you I was unhappy, you brought joy into my life, I moved closer to home, finally found the job I'd been looking for for months.
You arrived into the world on September 10 2014, I couldn't cry, I was overwhelmed, but that night after everyone had gone home, I held you in my arms and cried happy tears. Maternity leave was filled with kisses, cuddles, Netflix and lots of tea. It was perfect.
I went back to work full time, something I never wanted to do but the company I worked for would not allow me the family friendly hours I requested. I missed you, hated being away from you, in turn became resentful, hating the job I was in. A year on, I lost that job which was a blessing in disguise, we had a month off together before I started my new job and I loved it, I never wanted to go back to work. I wanted to be a stay at home mum, I wanted to play with you and look after you full time. In fact, I thought there were part time hours available which would have been perfect for me, for us. I guess you'll never understand mum guilt but it's a thing, trust me.
Shortly after I started my new job, I fell pregnant again and my world was turned upside down immediately. Our little threesome was unexpectedly about to become a foursome. I was worried about how you would react to not being our whole world anymore and when Henry arrived, you behaved as expected, you were naughty for mummy and daddy, especially mummy. But hey, I know it wsas just because your whole world was turned upside down too. Things soon settled and I was very lucky that you took to your big brother role like a duck to water, you were and still are very gentle and loving, always want to hold him and kiss him, and you have the ability to make him belly laugh like no other which makes me beam with pride. The bond you both share is precious.
The past two weeks though mate, have been hard, really hard! Last week you screamed blue murder from the minute you got up, I put it down to the heat. I too, am a grump when the weather is hot and sticky, I did everything in my power to cool you down, lolly ices (sorry world, it's a Scouse thing that Pete tells me off for on the daily), I filled up the paddling pool with buckets of warm water and boiled kettles. We went to a theme park to do loads of fun things and take your mind off that horrible sun.
Luckily, the weather has taken a bit of a turn, it's warm but cloudy and we can deal with that, but your behaviour is still out of control. You have thrown toys at your brother, smacked him, screamed at me, shouted at me, and today you even bit my shoulder. I am at my wits end and my patience is not just wearing thin but has worn down completely.
I've been told many a time to smack you back by several different (older) people which is something neither me or daddy agree with as it teaches you it is okay to smack. I have tried speaking to you calmly, but you ignore me and we are back to trying out the naughty step, something you must like since you've spent a lot of time on it recently!
I love you, but I do not like you very much right now. I want to go back to work, I want time away from you and while that all might sound quite mean, mummy needs a break. I want my little boy back, the one who gives kisses and cuddles, the one who shares his sweeties, the one who doesn't fake cry. Here's praying this is just a phase!
Love from mummy xxx
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